Learning to Play Big in Life
Understanding our hidden defense mechanisms, and discovering our lives beyond the fear and resistance that keep us stuck.
As I sat on the shore of San Marcos, Guatemala this morning, looking out over the breathtaking Lake Atitlan, it was one of those mornings of deep contemplation and inner reflection. Recently, so much has been shifting and changing in my life and every day has felt like some new emotion to feel and a new process to sit with.
The topic of my morning reflection today was the kinds of people and connections I have been making during my travels. Especially recently, I have noticed that the kinds of people that I have been spending time with did not necessarily feel like the people I was longing for connection with. The people I have been spending time with just haven't felt very aligned with me, or as some might call “my people”. It's not that the people I have been with are bad people by any means, but rather just aren't necessarily the kinds of people I would see myself being close friends with. At first, it was nice to have anyone at all to connect with, but over time an internal itch in me began to grow around this topic. I could feel that there was something else here for me other than the mere coincidence that these were the people I was hanging with.
It wasn't until this morning that I was able to see what was going on beneath the hood and understand the pattern that is at play. The consistent thread here is that it felt easy and comfortable to be small in these different relationships.
We are all mirrors for each other and draw out different qualities within each other. Certain people seem to help us be more of who we are at our core and draw out the deeper qualities of who we are while others may not bring out these same sides to us. For me, it almost feels like certain relationships are life-giving and help me step into my light, while others keep me stuck living in the shadows. For the sake of being on the same page, let's use the term “being big” to describe the process of stepping more into who we are and stepping into the light, and use “being small” to describe the process of hiding in the shadows and remaining comfortably stuck from taking steps into deeper parts of ourselves. When we are big it almost feels like we are stepping into the spotlight on a stage where everyone can truly see US, while being small feels like hiding behind the curtain of the stage where no one can really see US. Being big can feel scary, and vulnerable, and take courage, while being small feels comfortable and safe. Certain relationships, experiences, and endeavors may either make us feel big or feel small.
This morning while looking at the big volcanoes that rest on the shores of the lake I realized that I was unconsciously choosing relationships that made me feel small. When I finally put my finger on what was going on beneath the surface it shook me to my core. In a way, it was sad that I chose these kinds of relationships so that I didn't have to step into the spotlight of who I am.
This post was from March of this year, and I am now revisiting it in October as I sit in a coffee shop in Portland, Oregon. Interestingly enough, this same concept has resurfaced in my life but in a different way. Before in Guatemala, I had noticed that I was spending time with people who made me feel small because at a subconscious level, it felt safer and more comfortable. Currently, the pattern has been showing up differently.
In my current time on the West Coast, I have been spending time with people who invite me into the spotlight of my own life, and who really see ME. Although this sounds like a beautiful thing and is a beautiful thing, to the parts of me that feel safer remaining behind the curtain and in the shadows, this is scary as shit. Truly being seen by others is something I believe we all crave and can feel as if we are naked and there is nowhere left to hide.
It is important to note that the experience of being invited into more of who we are is commonly triggering. “How dare you show me the internal cave I have been living in! Who do you think you are.” When this happens there are usually a couple of different potential outcomes. One is that we embrace the uncomfortability of stepping into a fuller, more authentic expression of self. In this, we can see past the initial trigger of uncomfortability, and acknowledge it as a part of the grander process of self-realization. The second, which is probably more common, is that we project our triggers outwardly, and blame the external situation. This could show up as a relationship ending, or any other behavior that prevents any sort of inner change from happening. You might say “That person is just weird”, or some other statement that inhibits you from taking any sort of responsibility for your inner feelings. These parts of us will do anything to not admit that maybe the problem is not the person or external experience, but the fact that whatever the “thing” is reflecting inside of you makes you feel scared as shit. Not because what it reflects is some evil part inside of you, but that it reflects a flavor of you that some might call the real you.
Why might we do this, some may ask? Why would we run away from relationships with people who truly see us and invite us into a truer expression of self? Because it requires some form of change to who we are and how we are showing up in the world, and there are parts of us that are scared of change. Even though it sounds backward, there are deep survival strategies within us that will always choose comfort and the known over change, discomfort, and the realm of the unknown.
Although these survival strategies deserve an entire post alone, what is important here is that we can see them and acknowledge them, which is the first step towards finding freedom instead of being ruled by them. Here's what you need to know.
Whether it is a new relationship, job opportunity, or habit, there are unconscious parts of us that would prefer you stay stuck than pursue this new opportunity. These parts of us will utilize the things in our lives they know will keep us the most stuck. They will creep on the stories and beliefs that hit the hardest such as “You know you're not good enough”, or “Remember what happened last time you did this”. They may also use certain habits such as drinking, porn, etc, that they know take a toll on us and serve as super glue in their mission of keeping us stuck.
Even writing this now it truly does sound crazy that parts of us would go to such lengths just to avoid doing things that may actually benefit us in life, but it is the way it is, and we can either live at the mercy of these defense mechanisms, or learn to find freedom among them.
We deserve to live a life that is a reflection of who we are at the core, but unfortunately, so many of us are stuck behind the fear and resistance to it and the change that may come. I believe learning the language of the fear and parts of us that resist change is the key to unlocking the door of freedom in our lives.
Great read! ❤️